Review: Tennessee Global Warming Snow

A very cool type of movie is the satire. Much like the impersonation, the satire is another way to tell a noun that you don't like very much to just BUZZ OFF. It accomplishes this by pullin the ol switcheroo and pretending to agree with the very noun on which it wishes to poop. The satirist (someone who worships Satire) in today's filmme chooses to lampoon all over the noun Global Warming. Global Warming is a poop theory that states that it's too darn hot on this world and that man came from a monkey from a fish with legs (WUT THE HECK!?). It's a loada bunk! Our hero highlights (the verb not the marker) how dummy this poo theory is by make-believing that he is a typical scientist who may have book smarts but doesn't have street smarts, which are a type of smarts that are of utmost importance. The scientist says that global warming is the real deal even though there is snow on the ground, which is very cold. REAL MERICANS know that there is a strict hot/cold dichotomy in the realm of temperatures and that lying is THE DEV. To really hit the nail upon the head, the nerd scientist character insists that the snow is consistent with his view cuz there's fire up in that zone. YA RIGHT THERE'S NO FIRE IN SNOW the astute viewer will think. The satire endz with a barrel of laffz when the skunk-butt scientist claims that aliens imparted this wacky weather upon the world lol. MAYBE IN YOUR DREAMS GEEKS! I wish all those GAY NERD scientists would just take off their geekster glasses with tape on the bridge and just USE THEIR DINK BRAINS and trust their Gawd-given intuition rather than relying on measurements and statistics (the dev). We are fortunate as a race to have been blessed with today's filmmaker's unique blend of trenchant perspective, very good editing skills, and very funnie jokes.

Recommendation: This movie will have gay scientists pooing all in their pants
Rating: 4/5 anal thermometers

Review: Lord Move Me

Today's filmme is a music video for gatortrainlady's #1 hit tune "Lord Move Me" about his struggles with constipation and his cry to the good big buddy boy in the azure sky, the G-O-double D to relieve his plugged up stinker and just move his bowels please. He cries to the skies to "move the mountain in the way," but he is not actually singing about a literal mountain but instead a figurative mountain of solid cakey fecal loaf which is creating a stoppage in the zone. We see that his grandparents are prominently featured in the video in order to signify the divine struggle betwixt reg style pooping and old person style pooping. Aside from the heavy poopoo imagery, we are also delighted by the charm and musicality of gatortrainlady himself. We see that at his side there are some ancillary instruments which are a just hanging out and diggin the vibes without contributing. It is understood that gatortrainlady is a true musician with an arsenal of playable intruments at his disposable, and that he is not just some lameass 150$ Wal-Mart guitar campfire chord bradley. He also has the tabs to the song laid out upon his coffee table for easy reference. Imagine that! The most important feature of this vid, however, is the reminders it provides that the Biggest Man in the World is constantly creating a miracle soup which he ladles all over our faces. Just after the 1 minute mark the Lord wills it to be that our songster shall be left-handed for the remaining duration, and it is good. A few seconds later, he realizes that being left handed is gay and restores right-handedness upon him. Also the Good Dawg chooses to make the world black and white for bits of film as it was in the days of early television, and sepia for other moments as it was in the wild west. Let us all pray for the loosening of our neighbors bowels, that the demons of lower intestinal water retention shall be exorcised, and that the rivers shall run brown once again forever and ever amen.

Recommendation: eat pray and love this movie!
Rating: 4/5 pieces of shit

Review: Stilts Man FALLs at Fairfax Festival Parade, CA

In today's America stinker politicians have tried to make dung upon typical white people by being like wall street is better than main street. Today's movie fights that point-of-view by showing what main street has to offer like our fine-feathered friend the peacock might show it's colorful feathers to show that it can fornicate with the best of 'em. In this look at the very cool town of Fairfax, CA we see that an everyday cruise down main street is a real feast for the senses. There's cool noises like music and a man on a microphone saying something nice. There are lotsa cool colors to enjoy looking at. There are even clowns which perform upon leg-extensions which are entitled stilts. Sometimes the stiltmen remain atop their stilts. Still other times they cannot maintain their balance and succumb to gravity much like the apple which fell upon William Tell's bow and arrow. This movie highlights one of those hilarious instances in which a stiltman falls, inducing smiles abound. I think I might submit this movie to my favorite e-site that showcases these types of chucklefests-- failblog.org. Failblog is a very underground site which posts vids and pics of like men falling onto their testes or things about to fall on their testes and it is hosted by Full House's Bob Saggle the guy from Hollywood Squares. It usually will say in large letters FAIL to indicate that the he who gets his testes squished will fail to reproduce and his line will die out via natural selection. This gets you every time and causes you to experience gutbustin laffs. Sometimes if the videoman avoids getting his wrinkly bits smashed, the opposite of FAIL, SUCCEED, will flash instead. This is good for business because I learned that it is good to diversify your products from business school from television.

Recommendation: wait what was I talking about?

Rating: I'm guessing 4/5

Review: Porn Movie Titles

Porn movies are movies in which mums and pups do tha stankle in order to proliferate their genes. Today's movie is a look behind the scenes at one of the important steps in the production (or making-time)of these types of filmmes-- the name-making bit. Hollywood fat cats shell out the dollas to people like TheGoldenTones to come up with goof'd up titles that are based on previous Hollywood films but with some type of sexual pun incorporated. For example, consider the NBC goofer Parks and Recreation. An appropriate porn parody title might be Farce 'bout Procreation. It's a very funny and good but rare skill and only the strong survive, of which TheGoldenTones is included to whom because. In this video he showcases his good talent and cracks us up all in the same instants. He's a regular kookooberra. Highlights include rimpin on Hollywood movie Click starring funnieman Adam Sandleman as a ol' fahrt who can't find where the heck he put the remote. TGT fires his creativity cannon and offers the parody title Dick, which is a subtle reference to the male peep-peep. Some titles he leaves unchanged, however, out of respect for the america. These include Harry Potter 2: The Chamber of Secrets and Harry Potter 3: Harry Potter and the Ghoultown Spooks. In the dramatic zenith of today's film our main man shakes his camera all around as an allusion to the good/bad movie Blair Witch Project, a reference for real movie buffs to reflect upon.

Recommendation: Check out this thought-provoking romp

Rating: 4/5 Kookooberras sittin in an ol' gum tree

Review: Twilight is GAY! Lord of the Rings is GAY! Harry Potter is GAY!!

The Twilight Saga is a load of movies that have set the world abuzz. Some people think that the movies are very good. Others think they are very bad or it is for girls or homosexuals. Today's filmmaker/star is of the latter opinion. In response to the Twilight movies, she decided to fight fire with fire (figuratively; more literally fight movie with movie) and rebutt with a movie all her own. In it she repeatedly makes the assertion that the movies are homosexuals, which is sinful. She cites that the vampires and werewolves portrayed in the films are "dumbed down" for mass audiences who can't handle the real mccoy spook stuff cuz they are so dumdum. She goes on to list a number of other films as sinners. She is so over popular movies that are pooped into theaters near you and me because she is an above average consumer who can see through the lies. She says she is tired of shellin out the big bucks on movies and being disappointed because they are bad. While I don't agree with her in full, I do agree that I am tired of spending money on a movie and then it being different than I had expected in that it was better than I had expected. I don't like feeling so unprepared to experience an emotion. Still, we can unite in a common cause to stop homosexual movies from ruining our eyeballs because it is Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve even though Steve and Eve rhyme.

Recommendation: Do yr duty and watch this movie

Rating: 4/5 Rimrams

Review: Improv Night - Press Conference

Improv comedy is when someone is funny without planning on it. Even though the jokes might not be as funny as they'd be if the joker had practiced, they are just as enjoyable to listen to because they make you go WOW HE JUST CAME UP WITH THAT ON THE SPOT! People also like improv because sometimes the audience is allowed to participate, which makes you feel like your life is worth a darn and that is a nice feeling to have. In today's movie, a comedy troupe (kinda like a gang whose weapons are funny jokes instead of guns and knives) from the prestigious South Kitsap High School dare us not to laugh by goofin in the zone. They play an improv game where the Ringleader sends the bitch he most hates to the back so the audience can come up with a new identity for her to assume because her old one just isn't up to snuff. When she comes back the other players ask her questions press conf style that give her clues as to who the heck she might be. It's fun and funny. The Ringleader wears a shirt with text that is partially obstructed. It says "This is____." One can only assume the last line says "funny" or "good" because that is what this movie is. Rule numero uno in doing an improv is always make the audience think of something funny. Therefore the Ringleader begins by quoting funnyman Will Frenkel. This sends the crowd into a laff-frenzy which noticeably makes the Ringleader feel very good. He decides to ride it out and makes the entire game a quote fest of Will Frenkel. The audience laughs and laughs and smiles as they are reminded constantly of their fave Frenkel moments. Ultimately, one player slams the ball home by mentioning the instrument the cowbell, which is the subject of a very funny Frenkel joke that funny people quote at concerts when they want to prove how much attention they deserve. The audience loses their poop and everyone is very happy.

Recommendation: get a babysitter for the kids and go see this movie with your sig oth!

Rating: 4/5 funny quotes

Review: Jason end of season Soccer party 2006

Sports movies are a very good form of entertainment because they mix the thrill of the game into the movie batter. People love to watch these movies and root for the underdog because it reminds them of their fave Bible story, Dave v. Goliath, which is where the little guy takes down the bully. People love to read this Bible story because it reminds them of in high school when the nerd gets the revenge which belongs to him, and then they think of very funny movies and this makes them smile and laugh. This particular sport film takes us to the soccer field, which would be called the football field in the rest of the world. In the dramatic (film for "very interesting") climax (film for "orgasm of the story"), our hero Jason gets chewed out by the evil coach at the end of the year pizza party/trophy ceremony. Coach says something like "There is literally nothing positive to say about the disgraceful way you played this season except that you are a little less awful than when you first started. You cost us the big game you little C." Coach tells a very hateful anecdote about how at the first practice Jason couldn't run laps with the rest of the team because he was probably too busy thinking about snacks. Just when things look really bad for our hero, however, he overcomes the odds and receives his trophy for participation. Despite Coach's best efforts, Jason has gotten dat bling and will put it on top of his dresser when he gets home to scream from the mountain top that he's got mad participation skills. It is implied that he then goes back to his seat to do what he does best and munch on some za.

Recommendation: You won't need a participation trophy if you see this movie because the participating is an end in itself because the movie is so enjoyable.

Rating: 4/5 Soccer Ball Kicks

Review: A Tribute To Guy Fieri and Smashmouth

Every year there is an awards ceremony called Oscar's Awards Ceremony that allow We, The People to just say thanks guys to the moviemen for making the movies that cast a smile upon our hardened hearts. During each ceremony there is a segment with a movie that helps us think all about an important movieman who died for his country. This year's entry was a tribute to celeb chef/white entertainer Guy Fieri. Guy was known for being the resident badass of Food Network, a TV network on the B cable antenna. He pioneered very cool fashion with his trademark frostie tips, goatee, and sunglasses, which are basically like reg specs except they make the world a shade darker. He would always act very cool and say things like "these are some money Tostino's Brand Pizza Rolls" or "this slice of white bread is outta dis world." He was also the lead singer of Smashmouth, one of the prolific hitmakers of our time. His lyrics were the narrative of a generation who just wanted to be an NBA all-star and wondered what the heck would it be like to walk on the sun anyway? Well now he is an NBA all-star in Heaven, walking on the sun with some angels forever and ever amen.

Recommendation: watch movie

Rating: 4/5 TGIF Potato Skin Appetizers

Bonus Footage:

Review: Christian Comedy - David Crowder Band Impression

Stand-up comedy is where a modern-day jester gets up in front of lots of nice people and makes them laugh and laugh. Oodles of stand-up comedians (people who do stand-up comedy) have made movies in order to bring the laughs to folks who can't make it to the show that night, which is very nice of them. One such comedian is the funny man with the puppets. Another such comedian is the star of today's filmme David Ferrell. David is probably the greatest comedian since Dante (author of the Divine Comedy and the Da Vinci Code). One look at him and you'll say "I trust this man will make me laugh" and you will smile. He wears a Loony Tunes tie to show that he is not just some lameass stiff who would wear a regular man's tie and also to show that he is gonna do some loony comedy. In this selected "excerpt" (film for "small movie") he does a very funny impression, which is where you act like someone that you hate to show how awful you think they are. The person he impresses appears to be a lead singer for a Christian rock group. I don't know who it is but I have faith (pun) that the impression is spot on. David Ferrell is my favorite comedian because he is 100% funny but also 100% clean, which is the highest percentage known to man. He really shoots egg all over the face of other pottymouth comedians who think you need to use tons of fuck-words to make people think you're cool.

Recommendation: recommended

Rating: 4/5 100%'s

Review: Cooking For Busy People - "Spaghetti Pizza" Part 2

Cooking shows are basically like a marriage between a movie and a cooking event in that they are a combination of the two. Desperate housewives love to watch cooking shows so that they can get new ideas for pleasing their hardworking husbands when they come home from work. In this modern age, however, women have PTA meetings and so they have less time to cook a nourishing meal for their men. Cooking lady Dawn Hall knows this and had the very good idea to create (or make) a cooking show just for busy people that don't have time to make an old fashioned feast for every meal. SHE IS THE BEST GAL FOR THE JOB! She has a very soothing voice and says lotsa funny stories about burning the biscuits. These biscuit stories are also educational because they let us know that even a cooking ace can make mistakes and you just need to brush yourself off and try, try again if you don't succeed the first time and never give up. She makes pizza spaghetti, which is basically a marriage between Italian favorites pizza and spaghetti in that it is a combination of the two. It only has a certain amount of calories which is important because there are so many filthy disgusting fat people on this planet that need a savior. She is also very spiritual and makes sure to thank the big dog in the sky for fat free mayonnaise or something.

Recommendation: anchors aweigh to sail to this movie

Rating: 4/5 Marinara-Soaked Meatballs

Review: The flexing mirror and more!

Arnold, Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme. These are the names of movie men who are very strong. To this list can be added the star of today's film, Pedigo2388. That list will then read Arnold, Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Pedigo2388. Most muscley movies are all about the butt-pounding but in this film Pedigo2388 manages to package his ass-blasting romp as a work of art. The entire opening sequence is shot in the mirror leaving the viewer constantly guessing whether right is really right or whether it is in fact left. But don't worry-- it is a thinkin' movie second and an action movie first (aside: it is probably an inspirational movie third and a romantic comedy fourth). There is plenty of sex appeal to make women excited sexually and men excited, also sexually. All in all, Pedigo2388 kicks a lot of butt and has a tight-ass bod. I'd love for him to toss me like a pizza pie high into the sky.

Recommendation: Do yourself a favor and watch this movie please

Rating: 4/5 24'' Pythons

Review: Fat MacBeth - Bellefonte High School Project from '88

Sequels are to movies what slam dunks are to basketball shots. Everyone loves sequels because they are kinda like a second draft of a movie because it contains all the good stuff from the first one but with improvements. Example: In Austin Powers 1 Dr. Evil tells his stupid son to "shhh" many times and it is kinda funny. In Austin Powers 2, however, he tells him to "just zip it" a buncha times and it is kinda very funny. This is the ultimate funny because it brought the ziplock bag craze into the mix. Fat MacBeth is a hidden gem of a sequel because it is actually a sequel to two sep movies: Macbeth and Fat Albert. Macbeth is a play made by William Shakespeare, who was the mastermind behind William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet featuring Claire Danes. Fat Albert is a cartoon about some obese African-Americans and was created by Bill Cosby, the most influential play-write and poet of 17th century England. Even though the video and sound quality of Fat MacBeth are so bad that you can't tell what's going on the whole time, you should still see it because it's the thought that counts.

Recommendation: Check it out at a theater near you

Rating: 4/5 Auto-Tracking Camcorders

Review: Help me fight awful movies.

Variety is the spice of life. For this review I will spice (remember what I said about the relationship between variety and spice in the last sentence) things up and review a movie in which a fellow movie critic critiques some movies that he thinks are very bad movies. BlazikenMaster is probably one of the most renowned critics in Europe. He is known for doing all his reviews as Goldmember from Goldmember and also for coining the "Blaziken method" in which he is all like "what the heck?!!" I don't like him. He is very negative and is always saying "this movie is bad" or "this movie really sucks, what the heck?!!" I think it is important to be positive when reviewing movies so that people will go to the movie and decide for themselves whether they should have gone to the movie. Maybe he doesn't believe in freedom of choice since he is from Europe and he probably has a feudal lord that is all mean to him. In this movie he "what the heck"s funny movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie. He probably didn't get these movies because they are in English. If he knew English then he would've known that Meet the Spartans was a parody of Meet the Deedles which is a very funny movie about having silly blue hair with your brother. Then he would have been like "I've seen this before lol!" and we could have all gotten along. Everyone should learn English before they review American movies/step foot on American soil.

Recommendation: You should still go to this movie

Rating: 4/5 Learning Experiences

Review: Tuba Solo - Everybody Dance Now

Everybody and their mamas love to tune in to their fave radio station and jam out with all their best friends and family. But sometimes it is very hard to concentrate because you don't know what to picture in your mind's eye when you tune in. I always thought that there should be a genre of film which is basically like playing the radio but with people dancing and being gay (happy) so that you can get the whole shebang (homograph). Now, as a filmspert it is seldom that there is a genre I haven't heard of, but apparently the musical-film has been around for literally hundreds of thousands of hours. "Tuba Solo - Everybody Dance Now" is a very good example of one of these mixed nut cannisters of entertainment media. In the previous sentence, I use the mixed nut cannister as a metaphor to explain how singing, dancing, and acting are all mixed up into a musical kinda like nuts. This type of sentence is very powerful. This particular film features a tuba which is a very funny instrument usually played by disgusting fat people. The musicians clown around and tell everyone to dance now. I think this is a very positive message and since rappers are always telling everyone to be very angry and erotic I think this is a breath of fresh air. A breath of fresh air is another metaphor.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Figures of Speech

Review: dog in pajamas

Everyone who knows anything about film (which includes me) knows that of the three major classes of actors, animal performers are the most difficult to work with. Only some of them know English, which sucks because this is America and you should learn English because I don't like to press 1 for English. However, upstart filmmaker pigeondisco seems to have stepped up to the (baseball) plate and proven once and for all that man is better than dog. The titular character of "dog in pajamas" turns in one of the two best performances in the film. He is very funny and very good. HE ALSO WEARS PAJAMAS FOR THE DURATION OF THE FILM! Now I've seen everything! I think that this movie is classified as absurd or surreal because it makes you go "what the Shrek just happened?!!" I love the Shrek films because the voices are very funny.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie in 3D!
Rating: 4/5 Ogres!

Review: EXTREME Pringles

Much like its predecessor Extreme Ops, EXTREME Pringles has first word “extreme” in its title. It is very good. It stars kanom11155 as just an ordinary guy who has very interesting opinions and jokes about Pringles Brand chips, which are thin fried potato bits (think of a fried cookie made out of potato). The particular flavor of Pringles brand chips that he chooses to consume are called “extreme pringles.” We get to laugh along as kanom11155 streams (on the net) his consciousness to the audience (film lingo for watcher). He considers “what exactly makes the Extreme Pringles Brand Chips so extreme anyway?” And you know what HE’S RIGHT! I think that’s why this is so funny— because the chips aren’t very extreme at all because they are just normal chips after all. I think we can learn a lot about how to be very funny from kanom11155— just pick a product that is kinda weird and make jokes about it. Humor is important in life because it makes you laugh. We should all try to get along together and make each other laugh.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Funnies

Review: kid falls of his skateboard (funny)

Every good filmmaker knows the risk involved when attaching a parenthetical laudatory phrase to the title of your film. Can you imagine if Star Wars was instead called Star Wars (Very Good) or if Back to the Future was released as Back to the Future (Good). Attaching “(funny)” to a film title is like asking critics to comb the movie carefully for unfunny things so that they can more easily poop all over it. As a tenured critic I knew that this was the easiest/best way to approach the film currently under review. However, I ran into one little problem along the way: IT IS VERY FUNNY!! The title character is sorta like Charlie Chaplin, who was some man who was very funny. In the opening scene he is riding strong on his shred deck when suddenly out of nowhere he FALLS DOWN! That’s when we learn that he was not in fact very good at skateboarding, but he is very good at making us laugh. This film reminds me of the film Lords of Dogtown because it is about sk8boarding (which means skateboarding) but it is also very good. It is important to relate new films you watch to ones you have already scene (pun) so that your brain can process the whole enchilada.

Skateboarding may not be a crime, but it is when “kid falls of his skateboard!” I say this because he is so bad that it should be illegal!

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Skateboard Wheels

Review: Pizza2.0

Pizza2.0 (pronounced “pizza two point oh”) is a new pizzamentary from acclaimed pizza filmmaker mrmaratin42079. Unlike other films in the genre (e.g. Mr. Deeds’s Pizza Place), Pizza2.0 was shot in a single take using only one camera, which is very interesting to someone who knows a lot about filmmaking. It stars mrmaratin42079 as a down-on-his luck pizza-tossin’ prodigy who suffers great financial troubles as he pursues his passion (his passion is pizza tossin’). The gritty realism is very gritty— in one scene you almost taste the yucky destitution as our hero can’t even afford to buy a shirt to wear on his torso. He instead warms himself with the love of tossin’ ‘za. It is very sad but it is also very good. Luckily for the viewer, our hero has a nice bod so we don’t have to watch some grody fat person tossin’ around the ol’ ‘za. Also very good is the kickass soundtrack. IT REALLY ROCKS! I am not sure who it is, but there is at least a 10% chance it is Saliva feat. Staind. All in all, this movie is very good. It is very sad but also very funny. YOU WILL LOVE THIS MOVIE!

Recommendation: Go to this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Pepperoni Pizzas!