Review: Cooking For Busy People - "Spaghetti Pizza" Part 2

Cooking shows are basically like a marriage between a movie and a cooking event in that they are a combination of the two. Desperate housewives love to watch cooking shows so that they can get new ideas for pleasing their hardworking husbands when they come home from work. In this modern age, however, women have PTA meetings and so they have less time to cook a nourishing meal for their men. Cooking lady Dawn Hall knows this and had the very good idea to create (or make) a cooking show just for busy people that don't have time to make an old fashioned feast for every meal. SHE IS THE BEST GAL FOR THE JOB! She has a very soothing voice and says lotsa funny stories about burning the biscuits. These biscuit stories are also educational because they let us know that even a cooking ace can make mistakes and you just need to brush yourself off and try, try again if you don't succeed the first time and never give up. She makes pizza spaghetti, which is basically a marriage between Italian favorites pizza and spaghetti in that it is a combination of the two. It only has a certain amount of calories which is important because there are so many filthy disgusting fat people on this planet that need a savior. She is also very spiritual and makes sure to thank the big dog in the sky for fat free mayonnaise or something.

Recommendation: anchors aweigh to sail to this movie

Rating: 4/5 Marinara-Soaked Meatballs

Review: The flexing mirror and more!

Arnold, Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme. These are the names of movie men who are very strong. To this list can be added the star of today's film, Pedigo2388. That list will then read Arnold, Steven Seagal, Jean Claude Van Damme, Pedigo2388. Most muscley movies are all about the butt-pounding but in this film Pedigo2388 manages to package his ass-blasting romp as a work of art. The entire opening sequence is shot in the mirror leaving the viewer constantly guessing whether right is really right or whether it is in fact left. But don't worry-- it is a thinkin' movie second and an action movie first (aside: it is probably an inspirational movie third and a romantic comedy fourth). There is plenty of sex appeal to make women excited sexually and men excited, also sexually. All in all, Pedigo2388 kicks a lot of butt and has a tight-ass bod. I'd love for him to toss me like a pizza pie high into the sky.

Recommendation: Do yourself a favor and watch this movie please

Rating: 4/5 24'' Pythons

Review: Fat MacBeth - Bellefonte High School Project from '88

Sequels are to movies what slam dunks are to basketball shots. Everyone loves sequels because they are kinda like a second draft of a movie because it contains all the good stuff from the first one but with improvements. Example: In Austin Powers 1 Dr. Evil tells his stupid son to "shhh" many times and it is kinda funny. In Austin Powers 2, however, he tells him to "just zip it" a buncha times and it is kinda very funny. This is the ultimate funny because it brought the ziplock bag craze into the mix. Fat MacBeth is a hidden gem of a sequel because it is actually a sequel to two sep movies: Macbeth and Fat Albert. Macbeth is a play made by William Shakespeare, who was the mastermind behind William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet featuring Claire Danes. Fat Albert is a cartoon about some obese African-Americans and was created by Bill Cosby, the most influential play-write and poet of 17th century England. Even though the video and sound quality of Fat MacBeth are so bad that you can't tell what's going on the whole time, you should still see it because it's the thought that counts.

Recommendation: Check it out at a theater near you

Rating: 4/5 Auto-Tracking Camcorders

Review: Help me fight awful movies.

Variety is the spice of life. For this review I will spice (remember what I said about the relationship between variety and spice in the last sentence) things up and review a movie in which a fellow movie critic critiques some movies that he thinks are very bad movies. BlazikenMaster is probably one of the most renowned critics in Europe. He is known for doing all his reviews as Goldmember from Goldmember and also for coining the "Blaziken method" in which he is all like "what the heck?!!" I don't like him. He is very negative and is always saying "this movie is bad" or "this movie really sucks, what the heck?!!" I think it is important to be positive when reviewing movies so that people will go to the movie and decide for themselves whether they should have gone to the movie. Maybe he doesn't believe in freedom of choice since he is from Europe and he probably has a feudal lord that is all mean to him. In this movie he "what the heck"s funny movies like Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie. He probably didn't get these movies because they are in English. If he knew English then he would've known that Meet the Spartans was a parody of Meet the Deedles which is a very funny movie about having silly blue hair with your brother. Then he would have been like "I've seen this before lol!" and we could have all gotten along. Everyone should learn English before they review American movies/step foot on American soil.

Recommendation: You should still go to this movie

Rating: 4/5 Learning Experiences

Review: Tuba Solo - Everybody Dance Now

Everybody and their mamas love to tune in to their fave radio station and jam out with all their best friends and family. But sometimes it is very hard to concentrate because you don't know what to picture in your mind's eye when you tune in. I always thought that there should be a genre of film which is basically like playing the radio but with people dancing and being gay (happy) so that you can get the whole shebang (homograph). Now, as a filmspert it is seldom that there is a genre I haven't heard of, but apparently the musical-film has been around for literally hundreds of thousands of hours. "Tuba Solo - Everybody Dance Now" is a very good example of one of these mixed nut cannisters of entertainment media. In the previous sentence, I use the mixed nut cannister as a metaphor to explain how singing, dancing, and acting are all mixed up into a musical kinda like nuts. This type of sentence is very powerful. This particular film features a tuba which is a very funny instrument usually played by disgusting fat people. The musicians clown around and tell everyone to dance now. I think this is a very positive message and since rappers are always telling everyone to be very angry and erotic I think this is a breath of fresh air. A breath of fresh air is another metaphor.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Figures of Speech

Review: dog in pajamas

Everyone who knows anything about film (which includes me) knows that of the three major classes of actors, animal performers are the most difficult to work with. Only some of them know English, which sucks because this is America and you should learn English because I don't like to press 1 for English. However, upstart filmmaker pigeondisco seems to have stepped up to the (baseball) plate and proven once and for all that man is better than dog. The titular character of "dog in pajamas" turns in one of the two best performances in the film. He is very funny and very good. HE ALSO WEARS PAJAMAS FOR THE DURATION OF THE FILM! Now I've seen everything! I think that this movie is classified as absurd or surreal because it makes you go "what the Shrek just happened?!!" I love the Shrek films because the voices are very funny.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie in 3D!
Rating: 4/5 Ogres!

Review: EXTREME Pringles

Much like its predecessor Extreme Ops, EXTREME Pringles has first word “extreme” in its title. It is very good. It stars kanom11155 as just an ordinary guy who has very interesting opinions and jokes about Pringles Brand chips, which are thin fried potato bits (think of a fried cookie made out of potato). The particular flavor of Pringles brand chips that he chooses to consume are called “extreme pringles.” We get to laugh along as kanom11155 streams (on the net) his consciousness to the audience (film lingo for watcher). He considers “what exactly makes the Extreme Pringles Brand Chips so extreme anyway?” And you know what HE’S RIGHT! I think that’s why this is so funny— because the chips aren’t very extreme at all because they are just normal chips after all. I think we can learn a lot about how to be very funny from kanom11155— just pick a product that is kinda weird and make jokes about it. Humor is important in life because it makes you laugh. We should all try to get along together and make each other laugh.

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Funnies

Review: kid falls of his skateboard (funny)

Every good filmmaker knows the risk involved when attaching a parenthetical laudatory phrase to the title of your film. Can you imagine if Star Wars was instead called Star Wars (Very Good) or if Back to the Future was released as Back to the Future (Good). Attaching “(funny)” to a film title is like asking critics to comb the movie carefully for unfunny things so that they can more easily poop all over it. As a tenured critic I knew that this was the easiest/best way to approach the film currently under review. However, I ran into one little problem along the way: IT IS VERY FUNNY!! The title character is sorta like Charlie Chaplin, who was some man who was very funny. In the opening scene he is riding strong on his shred deck when suddenly out of nowhere he FALLS DOWN! That’s when we learn that he was not in fact very good at skateboarding, but he is very good at making us laugh. This film reminds me of the film Lords of Dogtown because it is about sk8boarding (which means skateboarding) but it is also very good. It is important to relate new films you watch to ones you have already scene (pun) so that your brain can process the whole enchilada.

Skateboarding may not be a crime, but it is when “kid falls of his skateboard!” I say this because he is so bad that it should be illegal!

Recommendation: Go to see this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Skateboard Wheels

Review: Pizza2.0

Pizza2.0 (pronounced “pizza two point oh”) is a new pizzamentary from acclaimed pizza filmmaker mrmaratin42079. Unlike other films in the genre (e.g. Mr. Deeds’s Pizza Place), Pizza2.0 was shot in a single take using only one camera, which is very interesting to someone who knows a lot about filmmaking. It stars mrmaratin42079 as a down-on-his luck pizza-tossin’ prodigy who suffers great financial troubles as he pursues his passion (his passion is pizza tossin’). The gritty realism is very gritty— in one scene you almost taste the yucky destitution as our hero can’t even afford to buy a shirt to wear on his torso. He instead warms himself with the love of tossin’ ‘za. It is very sad but it is also very good. Luckily for the viewer, our hero has a nice bod so we don’t have to watch some grody fat person tossin’ around the ol’ ‘za. Also very good is the kickass soundtrack. IT REALLY ROCKS! I am not sure who it is, but there is at least a 10% chance it is Saliva feat. Staind. All in all, this movie is very good. It is very sad but also very funny. YOU WILL LOVE THIS MOVIE!

Recommendation: Go to this movie!

Rating: 4/5 Pepperoni Pizzas!